A peek into the future

Sunday morning, I woke up to a soft voice whispering in my ear. “Omi, are you awake?” Snuggled up in the curve of my arm, my four-year-old granddaughter was softly caressing my face.

I turned over to see my husband half hidden under the duvet, snoring gently. Sunday was our fortieth anniversary. Rather than heading off on a celebratory holiday built for two, we had rented a big house near Chesterman Beach in Tofino, on the west coast of Canada - a home big enough to accommodate our kids, grandchildren, and dogs. We are here for a week, celebrating not only our anniversary, but also three birthdays and Mother’s Day, the first of which I am sharing with both my daughters.

As we celebrate forty years, I have been lingering over memories of our many years together.

The years have been good to us. Of course, we experienced the occasional rough patch over the course of our marriage, but our deep love, mutual respect, and support of each other went a long way in weathering those storms.

I met my husband a few years before we ‘officially' met. A friend was working in Jasper, Alberta. She said her boss would be perfect for me. She introduced us during one of my visits. There was absolutely no spark. A few years later, now living in Jasper, I met him again at a rugby party hosted by his roommate, whom I knew. There was a spark but initially, for the first couple of weeks, I rebuffed him. I was there to save money for travel, and I had no desire to get entangled in a relationship. He persisted. Three months later, we were engaged.

We were married on a gorgeous day in Jasper, dancing into the small hours of the morning with family and friends. Life was good. Yet there was this niggling thought that would not leave - this marriage will not last. I could not believe that this caring, warm-hearted man loved me! I felt I did not deserve this happiness. I thought my husband was delusional and had not yet discovered my many faults. These feelings persisted for too many years. Honestly? These feelings still cross my mind from time to time.

So I was thinking this week, what if, on my wedding day, I had been given a peek into the future? What if I could have seen myself forty years later? Daughters with whom I have a solid relationship. Granddaughters whom I adore. Living on an island, doing things I love doing. Still happily married to this wonderful man, my partner, lover, and best friend.

Would it have changed my journey through life? Would I have been less worried? Would I have taken more risks? Maybe. But I would not have wanted to know the details of my personal future. I’m not alone. Overall, 85 - 90% of people feel the same, wanting to preserve the excitement of life’s unpredictability.

What about now, at the age of sixty-seven? Do I want to peek into the future? Sometimes I think knowing a bit about my future would help me to prepare. There is a history of dementia in my family. There is also a history of heart failure. Both of these may diminish the quality of my remaining years. I don’t want to dwell on that, but I would want to plan accordingly for a decline in my health. And then I think about making the most of my remaining time. If I knew I only had five or ten years left, would I live differently? But that is where I draw the line. Better to live fully every day!