A Ritual for Self-Forgiveness
“We belong to every part of our lives and every part of our lives belongs to us. Even the failures. The cruelty. The betrayals. The addictions. The cowardice. Until we embrace those scared and tender parts with kindness and forgiveness, we will never be home. ”
Tuesday is my birthday; I am turning 65. These last few weeks I have been thinking about various rituals to celebrate the day. I will be alone on my birthday, although I expect I will be inundated with calls and messages. My husband is in France, and we won’t be meeting up for a few more weeks. My kids are working and won’t be joining me on the island until later in the week. And, most of my friends live a distance away. Now don’t think I’m complaining, or feeling sorry for myself, because I’m not. Those who know me well, understand that I prefer being alone for personal milestones.
I am not one for celebrations, personal ones anyway. And yet, I’ve been feeling like I should mark the day with an intentional reflection or ritual. My thoughts initially went to unresolved issues or regrets that I am still carrying. Where does my head go when sleepless nights draw me into the past? Often, when I am lying awake, I think about forgiveness - a topic I have not yet addressed in my blog - mainly because I have a hard time understanding forgiveness. Berkeley’s Greater Good website defines forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness. So if I no longer feel anger at a certain person but also don’t want that person in my life - is that forgiveness? Because it doesn’t feel quite right.
Forgiveness is an underlying theme in many of the life stories women share in life story writing workshops. Usually, this focuses on self-forgiveness. And that got me thinking, do I need to forgive myself before I can forgive others? I’m not sure, however I do know that there are moments from my past that I want to wrap in a deep hug so I can move on.
What I want to do is release the shame and guilt I still carry for things I did when I was younger. This 65 year old woman is now much wiser, and needs to acknowledge and forgive those actions.
So how do I plan to do this? There is a much-loved activity that I introduce to women in my writing groups when they write about embracing vulnerability. I am adapting this activity to help me address self-forgiveness.
This is an activity you may want to try - it has multiple uses. You can use it for exploring your life journey, to celebrate the past, to remember key moments, or to address a whole variety of things!
A Circle of Women
Create a circle of women. Sit around a campfire, on a beach, or on the soft moss in an old growth forest. Visualize these women as you, at age 8, 15, 26, 45… Select the earlier versions of yourself who you would like to connect with. Look at these girls and women. What do you remember about them at that age? How do you feel looking at them now?
Say what needs to be said. Hold them. Appreciate them. Cry with them. Laugh with them. Invite the women to speak to each other. What does the oldest say to the youngest? What does the new mother say to the teenager?
Sense your wholeness in these women. Together you made something strong, enduring and beautiful. Shift over and make space for older versions of you. Perhaps, one day, an older version of you will wrap you in her arms and whisper words into your ear.
Celebrating 65
Now, I want to assure you, that I will not spend the whole day wallowing in the past! Right now the weather forecast states I can expect heavy winds and torrential rain on Tuesday. In fact, there’s a wind warning. I will only take an hour or so to delve into self-forgiveness. And then, if the rain keeps me inside, I will spend the afternoon curled up by the fire with a glass of wine and pen and paper. If it is safe to go out, I will take myself for a long walk by the ocean and through old growth forest, and then head the pub with my notebook! Diane, one of the women in my writing group, introduced me to Elizabeth Gilbert’s, Letters From Love, and the thought that I can look at my younger self with admiration and affection. On Tuesday, you will also find me writing a love letter to myself.
Note: The activity, A Circle of Women, was adapted from an Instagram post I read almost two years ago. I did not make note of the link, thinking I would remember it - but of course I forgot. So sadly, I cannot thank and properly endorse the woman who created the activity.