Consciously Managing My Mental Health
“Managing my mental health is very nearly a full-time job. I don’t take it lightly, because the stakes are high. Like many of us, I have a mind that is a very dangerous neighbourhood.”
I woke up this morning to brilliant sunshine and warmth. But all I wanted to do was pull the covers over my head and disappear. Do you ever have a day when you feel like that? Or a week? Or a month?
“Managing my mental health is very nearly a full-time job. I don’t take it lightly, because the stakes are high. Like many of us, I have a mind that is a very dangerous neighbourhood. Left unattended, my mind will fester, rot, and roll me over the brink, into anxiety and depression. I have a particularly muscular storytelling instinct — and the world has rewarded me generously for that! — but the dark side of my gift is that my mind is also capable of generating terrible, frightening, life-annihilating stories about myself and about the world. I can scare the living shit out of myself, and—in the process—destroy my life.
The battle begins quite literally the moment I wake up in the morning. With the first moment of consciousness, insanity begins. The terrorist who lives inside my mind begins bullying and threatening me.”
These words were written by Elizabeth Gilbert in a Facebook post almost four years ago. I kept them because they could have been written by me - well, except for making money from my writing!
I now take anti-depressants which have saved me from that downhill spiral I can predict days in advance. I no longer feel depressed, thank god. But I’m not sure how best to explain how I feel. My days feel steady, no more down periods, but also no more highs. And I miss those highs. Would I give up this even keel for occasional high days? Nope! I dread the down days far too much.
This past week has been a tough one. Actually, this past month hasn’t been great. I can never quite put my finger on what sets me off. I’m doing fine, and then I’m not. And then, I’m really not doing well.
I’ve learned that I can’t relax just because I'm feeling okay. I need to consciously manage my mental health all the time. But yes, that is a full-time job, and sometimes I need a break! The problem is that when I take a break, lulled by a sense of well-being, I tend not to see the first signs of trouble.
And then I get a week like this past week. Here I am, already feeling self-critical because I’m eating unhealthy, drinking too much, not exercising enough, and my creativity has flown out the window. Yes, I am good at weighing myself down with layer upon layer of self-criticism. Then on Wednesday, I'm in my office and I hear a lot of banging upstairs in the living room. It’s Boogs, my 18-year-old. He's having a seizure. He has no neurological damage. The cause could be kidney related or a brain tumour. All we can do is ensure he is comfortable. He has been snuggly, seems alert, and enjoys lying in the sun on the balcony. He was even playing yesterday! But he is barely eating; he is wasting away. No wonder I don’t welcome a day of sunshine!
I don’t write this for pity or because I want your sympathy. I'm writing this because too often I hear that my life sounds wonderful. I need you to know that even though everything might look great from the outside, inside I am often fighting my demons. I know it happens to some of you too. Yet we’re all so good at putting on a smile. As much as I try and focus on joy and wonder and this spectacular journey into old age, there are times that I wish hibernation was real, times when I wish I could curl up into a little ball and sleep away the next few months!
So I should probably pay more attention to Elizabeth Gilbert’s next comments:
“ I am not powerless. Over the years, I’ve adapted practices to keep my mind flourishing and my life contented.
The first thing I do every single morning is pray. Then I meditate. Then I dance. Then I write myself a letter from Love. Then I complete a Byron Katie Worksheet on a stressful belief. At various times in my life I have gone to therapy, yoga, and 12-step programs. I’ve taken medication at times. Whenever I see a church door open, I walk in and pray. I try to reach out to somebody every day with a message of Love, which ends up helping ME. I practice generosity, which also helps ME.
It’s a full-time job. It’s why I go to bed early, wake up early, and begin tending to my mental health! It’s a lot. But nothing matters more, and nobody else can do it for me.”
I don’t pray. I don’t write myself love letters. I only dance when I’m feeling really good! Yoga helps, and meditation, and getting outside, especially by the ocean. A gratitude journal grounds me. Connecting with friends and my daughters helps, as does having my husband wrap his arms around me. Eating healthy, not drinking and exercise all help. And this, putting my heart down on paper helps. I just need to make sure that I consciously manage my mental health - even when I feel good!