Practice...Makes Imperfect

Did you know that you can sign your dog up for swimming lessons? Would you believe that preschoolers are sent to tutoring schools to learn to read and do arithmetic? There is a reason they are called preschoolers! And parents are now hiring sleep coaches to get their babies settled into a regular sleeping routine. These days, there is a class to learn almost anything!

A few years ago I saved this quote from the book Labor Day by Joyce Maynard. This quote had me reflecting on inherent knowledge, common sense, and teachable skills.

"A baby cries in the night, and you go to pick him up. What were you going to do, take a book off a shelf and read what some expert has to say?

You lay your hand against his skin and just rub his back. Blow into his ear. Press the baby up against your own skin and walk outside with him, where the night air will surround him, and moonlight will fall on his face. Whistle maybe. Dance. Hum. Pray.

Sometimes a cool breeze might be just what the doctor ordered. Sometimes a warm hand on the belly. Sometimes doing absolutely nothing is best. You have to pay attention. Slow things way down. Tune out the rest of the world that really doesn't matter. Feel what the moment calls for."

Now, I devoured parenting books when I was pregnant. But when my first baby was born, the parenting books gathered dust on the bookshelf. I found I didn’t need books to parent. Motherhood came naturally to me, and if I was uncertain about a routine or milestone, I checked in with friends.

We all come from different circumstances, and I know that some mothers do need guidance and support. For years I managed a family resource centre that offered parenting workshops and a supportive community. This agency was a lifeline for many families.

Similarly, there are skills and talents that are gifted to some of us and not to others. And I understand the desire to improve skills we have and learn new things. 

I suppose what gets to me is this belief that we need to take classes to learn, to become perfect at something. What happened to just plain practicing? Why not sing, dance, paint, or write for the pure joy of it, rather than feeling like we need to be experts?

I write this as a recovering perfectionist. For most of my life, I have avoided learning skills that take a lot of practice. Golf is a prime example. My husband would love it if I joined him on the golf course, but it’s not a game that is easy to master and so I do not play. I do not sing. As a child, I was told I was tone-deaf and could not sing. I also do not dance because it seems I have no sense of rhythm. I honestly do not think I would improve even if I took a course!

That’s not to say I don’t register for courses.  I am thirsty for knowledge! This past year I have learned about the science of wisdom, transitioning with intention, aging and resilience, and the need for community – even for introverts! It’s just that none of these are skill-based courses.

I also don’t consider the life story writing workshops I facilitate as skill-based. My workshops offer a community for women who write life stories together. I share a process that draws out stories, and writing skills are definitely not a requirement! It’s interesting because even when I share those words in my promotional materials, some of you are still uncertain about registering, thinking you need to write well. But you know what, I have never heard a bad story. The stories shared in these workshops are emotional, evocative, descriptive, and beautiful. The stories make us laugh, cry and marvel at the shared experiences in our lives.

I am trying hard to move away from perfectionism – and that’s not an easy thing to do! I am almost ready to start singing and dancing – even if only in the safety of my own living room!