Rewired, Not Retired
“She thought she had stopped when she retired, but she hadn’t stopped at all. She’d kept on running hopelessly toward some unspecified, unattainable goal.”
Twice last week I was asked my occupation, and for the first time since I wrapped up my last consulting contract in January, I said I was retired. It was not easy to say. I uttered the word with hesitation and an explanation both times because, well, what does it actually mean?
COVID hit my career hard. As a community development consultant, I worked with people. Social distancing and lockdowns were not conducive to my work. I thought about retiring but didn’t feel quite ready. I looked for other work to occupy my time during COVID and began facilitating online life story workshops. I filled the rest of my time with blogging, writing, and thinking about writing a book. I still spent most days in my home office. In the back of my mind, I thought I would return to consulting as the pandemic eased. But in the spring I began to re-think my future. I am fortunate that I don’t have to work to pay the bills. I like the flexibility of not being tied down to a job. And frankly, I was feeling done with my career.
This transition has been challenging for me. I have had no closure. There was no big retirement party to end this phase of my life. Instead, I have gradually faded into retirement; it has felt like a transformation into something vague, and less important. Don’t get me wrong, there is a lot about this stage of life that I love, and in many ways, I feel like I am now living my best life. But my career was such a significant part of my past – it wasn’t just a job – it was my passion. I was in demand, I was able to pick and choose the projects I worked on, and I was recognized for my contributions to the field I worked in. So to say that I am now retired, well, it’s not easy.
And it seems I’m not the only one who finds to difficult to say I’m retired. Stefa Katamay, coach and founder of Next in Life, writes, “What I’m learning as I talk to more and more retired people – dynamic, bright people who happen to no longer be in paid work – is that some are hiding that they are retired. Some declare they are semi-retired, so they are not relegated to the irrelevant pile outright. Or they talk about what they are pursuing ‘cause when you are dynamic and bright you are pursuing something! And that’s more interesting anyway. You’re not your title! And when someone says they are “retired” that’s not who they are either.”
Her words express what I am feeling. My pre-retirement life was about productivity and accomplishments – and being paid well for that! And now that I am no longer being paid, I still feel this need to be productive, to accomplish something so my worth can be measured. Sometimes I think this stems from my childhood. I remember proudly coming home from school one day and showing my father a test on which I had gotten 95%. My father response? That’s a good mark but how many of the kids in your class got higher than 95%? So, as you can imagine, from an early age I was driven to succeed.
I receive daily inspirational quotes from Henry Nouwen; one of last week’s quotes helped me better understand my hesitation in declaring I am retired. Nouwen wrote, “When productivity is our main way of overcoming self-doubt, we are extremely vulnerable to rejection and criticism and prone to inner anxiety and depression. Productivity can never give the deep sense of belonging we crave. The more we produce, the more we realize that successes and results cannot give us the experience of ‘at homeness’. In fact, our productivity reveals to us that we are driven by fear.”
These words may be a bit strong, yet in reading them, I better understand that part of what I fear is that by saying I am retired, I no longer feel I measure up. I feel the societal rejection and ageism attached to retirement. I can no longer fall back on long hours worked and kudos from clients and colleagues to demonstrate my success.
In my heart I know that how I measure what matters in life these days holds much greater value. Other than this little niggle of doubt that is slowly dissipating, I am enjoying this stage of life. And I am still productive. The difference is that I am now focused outwardly rather than on myself, as I begin to explore how to bundle up my wisdom and experience to benefit others. It is not so much a time of retirement but rather a time of rewirement.