The dust has settled
As I age, I find I have less interest in situations that create unnecessary stress, family drama, or relationships that make me feel small. Is this because I have reached what is called old age? Yes, I suppose. But not because of any negative stereotypes about aging and social isolation. I’ve simply become more selective about where I put my emotional energy.
Recently, I read that developmental psychologists describe wisdom as a cognitive achievement that emerges specifically through extensive life experience. That kind of wisdom helps us know which problems are worth solving, which relationships deserve our time, and which anxieties are only noise.
The dust has settled. I have lived long enough to recognize what deserves my attention and what doesn't. I still encounter difficult people, disappointments, and moments of self-doubt. They just don't stir up the same emotional storm they once did. What does that mean in practical terms? Here are five observations I have been reflecting on.
1. I have no tolerance for family politics.
When I now hear something about a family member from another family member, I go to the source. I have no patience for gossip or misinformation. If I know a family gathering is going to be stressful, I send my regrets.
2. I no longer carry other people's baggage.
If I have wronged you, I will take responsibility. Well, I’ll do my best to do so. I’m adding that as a disclaimer because there are a couple of situations in my past that remain unresolved in my mind. These days, I have great clarity knowing when it is not me, but you. Realizing I haven't caused a difficult dynamic makes it easier for me to step away from the relationship with a clear conscience.
3. No more comparing myself to anyone.
I was never the best student in the class. Nor was I ever the prettiest, the most popular, or the skinniest. I also wasn’t like the yuppie moms who accompanied their kids to kindergarten.
I have never spent much time comparing myself to others. What bothered me was when I was measured up against standards others had set.
Have you discovered yet that one of the best aspects of aging is a decreased need for social comparison? How liberating is that!
4. There are at least two people in a relationship.
Many of us have had that friend or colleague. The one who always takes and never gives, who always talks but never listens, who uses you but never values you. That realization used to make me sad. Now it simply tells me where to invest my time.
5. Quality over quantity.
The path ahead of me is shorter than the one I have walked so far. I don’t have time for relationships that are not genuine. I am done with small talk and surface-level connections. I would rather spend an afternoon in deep conversation with one friend than spend time in a room full of acquaintances making polite conversation.
I haven’t become less interested in people, I’m just more discerning about how I spend my time - and who I spend it with. My life has become richer. My relationships are deeper. The conversations are more meaningful. And the freedom that comes from no longer trying to please everyone, or solve every problem, feels like one of aging’s greatest gifts.
Perhaps that’s what happens when the dust has settled, finally having clarity about what really matters.
I’d love to know - what have you become less willing to tolerate as you have gotten older?
