Claiming your own life
This blog post begins with a story about my mother, who never put herself first. My father had dementia. Two of her friends also had husbands with dementia. We have excellent home care on the island. Caring, supportive individuals offer respite, assistance and some housekeeping. Our health system also makes this affordable. My mother refused to discuss home care. She insisted it was her duty to take care of her husband. Finally, she relented, only to run to the grocery store and then sit in her car down the road until sufficient time had passed before she could go home. One of her friends would go out for coffee or lunch with a friend during home care visits. My mother shook her head in disapproval. Her other friend would get respite care for her husband one weekend a month to give herself a break. My mother was appalled and told her so. She did not understand the importance of self-care. She did not believe that her own needs mattered.
No wonder! As Mary Pipher shares in her book, Women Rowing North: Navigating Lifestyle Currents and Flourishing As We Age, our culture has taught us to be responsible, nurturing, and available to others.
For years, we were told to prioritize the needs of others. Many of us were happy to take care of our children, partners, and parents. Taking care of ourselves felt selfish. We were often criticized for putting ourselves first. One friend of mine took a job in another province for three months when her children were preadolescents. Her family were shocked and berated her for not fulfilling her duties. My need for solitude often led me to head off for a weekend or week when my children were young. My husband understood that this was important to me, even when I headed off on a solo seven-week trip to Thailand and Bali. While he was supportive, you can imagine the earful I got from my mother. I even had friends wonder how I could leave my husband for so long - how would he cope? Clearly, they did not know my husband well!
“If you’re prone to thinking you should be helping more, that’s probably a sign that you could afford to direct more energy to your idiosyncratic ambitions and enthusiasms. As the Buddhist teacher Susan Piver observes, it’s radical, at least for some of us, to ask how we’d enjoy spending an hour or day of discretionary time. And the irony is that you don’t actually serve anyone else by suppressing your true passions anyway. More often than not, by doing your thing – as opposed to what you think you ought to be doing – you kindle a fire that helps keep the rest of us warm.” - Oliver Burkeman
So, what is your thing? Mary Pipher writes that as older women, our lives change in significant ways. We need a strong sense of ourselves and our own needs. We need to pay attention to the voice deep inside that wants to take good care of ourselves. One mark of wisdom, she says, is the ability to distinguish between who we are taught to be by society and who we truly are. “To grow into our best selves, we must be able to claim our own lives,” she continues. “We need to sort out what we truly desire and then go for it.”
A recent article in Calm reminds us that the relationships we have with ourselves should be as caring and attentive as those we have with others. Give yourself permission to prioritize your needs, beyond occasional pampering or relaxation.
Acknowledge and address your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual needs.
Make a commitment to understand what makes you thrive and what you need to live your best life.
Learn to protect your time and space.
Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings and do what feels right. Ignore what others may think.
Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend. When you are hard on yourself, pause and reframe your thoughts to be more compassionate.
Set clear boundaries. I recently decided to not take on any volunteer work unless there is a clear timeline and project scope.
Affirm your own needs. Mary Pipher reminds us to then…" be assertive enough to say what they are, even when they may inconvenience others".
I am adding one other item to this list. Articulate what you need to live your best life to others and to yourself. Susan Piver writes:
Pleasure! The last thing I usually think of when planning my day. Once I get all my work out of the way, maybe I can do something fun or satisfying or just cuz. I never do stuff just to have fun. Never. I am so not built like that. However…among the most pleasurable things in my life are the things I’m committed to doing: spiritual practice and writing. I love those things!
This reminded me that some of the people in my life see my blog writing and life story workshops as work. Occasionally, I am told how hard I am working or how many hours I put in. I need to be clear with them that I do these things for the sheer joy of it! Blogging and facilitating writing workshops are gifts to myself, and hopefully also to you.
However, when they begin to feel like a chore, then it’s time to take a break. So I am signing off for the summer.
How will I be spending my time? Gardening, reading, and spending time with family and friends. Also, developing new curriculum for my writing groups, re-vamping my website, and working on some resources to share with you. Why? For the sheer pleasure it gives me!