Couples Aging With Wisdom and Love
Will your husband say he would rather you read: a cookbook, a diet book or a book to improve your vocabulary? Where, specifically, will your husband say is the one place in your house or apartment that you always forget to clean?
These are questions from The Newlywed Game, which I remember watching at the impressionable age of eleven, or maybe it was twelve. At the time, I thought these questions were irrelevant to the strength of a marriage. Already independent and opinionated at that age, I also remember thinking the women were shallow, the men embarrassing, and there was no way my husband would ever dictate my reading choices!
But then there were other questions. Who said I love you first? Where was your first kiss? Would your husband rather spend an evening at home with you, or a night out with you? At that age, the right answers to those questions were signs of true love!
Now? Yes, I still know the answers to those questions. However, thirty-seven years of marriage later, these answers are no longer relevant.
My marriage has had its ups and downs, mostly sailing calm waters, and weathering the occasional storm. With my husband’s retirement imminent next month, we are keenly aware that our relationship will shift as routines change, and we face a lot of time together - I mean, a lot of time!
I crave solitude, and for most of our married life, I have been blessed with an abundance of alone time. My husband has been crucial in making that happen. When our children were young, he would head off on a Saturday with them so I could have some solitude. When the girls were in their teens, he understood my need for weekends alone. I worked from my home office, allowing plenty of time for quiet introspection and reflection. I headed off on two-month solo adventures, with my husband’s acceptance and support. And lately, I have been gifted solitude at our island home. Since moving here full-time, I have my weekdays alone, and my husband comes over for 3-day weekends. A perfect balance.
But, we are very different people, and while I know he does not care what I do with my time, I feel guilty when he is working on the property or wanting to socialize - while all I want to do is hide away in my private cubby and read and write! His needs matter to me, but I am also selfishly aware that my needs also need fulfilling. I use the word ‘selfishly’ intentionally because while this should not feel selfish, as women, we were raised to put the needs of others first, weren’t we?
Caryl and Jay Casbon, the authors of Side by Side: The Sacred Art of Couples Aging with Wisdom and Love, call this the dance of me and we - “blessed is the couple who dances with the tension between me and we, for they will know companioning without loss of self.”
Side by Side: The Sacred Art of Couples Aging with Wisdom and Love, offers glimpses into thirteen stories of elder couples honestly discussing their relationships, spiritual journeys, and the realities of aging. While Chapter Ten, the couple who dances with the tension between me and we, resonates most deeply with me at this stage of my life, there were many pearls of wisdom in the book. These are the soul stories of couples living in committed relationships with spiritual practices embedded in their daily lives.
“…retirement doesn’t mean that your soul’s callings fall silent. Instead, it is an invitation for re-formation, allowing one’s old life to recede and making room for new priorities…For many couples, one is an extrovert and the other an introvert. This profoundly impacts communication styles, how much alone time you need, and if you like to think aloud or silently. It is critical to how we approach and process life.”
The lives of these couples are offered, the authors write, through a story format—the ancient way of passing along history and meaning—capturing the unique lessons embodied through lived experiences. The authors share their interpretations and allow us to discover our own.
And so we return full circle to questions. The book includes questions and practices designed to initiate discussions on the themes contained in each chapter. And these questions in no way resemble The Newlywed Game! I suggested to my husband that we choose 2-3 questions and share our musings with you. He agreed, but after reading some of the questions, he felt he needed time to reflect on the answers. It also felt too vulnerable to share our thoughts on the threshold of this next stage of life we are stepping into, side by side.
The book includes nearly 200 questions in the Reader’s Guide. Here are ten questions the authors offer on their website to reflect on your relationship.
When do you you feel most loved in your relationship?
What small gestures and other ways of being together communicate love, nurturing, kindness, and care?
What elder couples have you known who are models for aging? How do you hope to be like them?
Reflect on your parent’s relationships, and discuss how you have followed some of the same paths and where you may have diverged and changed.
What is the nature of your commitment or the vows you made with each other as a couple? In practice, what has most helped you “stick it out” through the dark times?
In what ways must you “honor your limits” at this time? How has that impacted how you live together as a couple?
How do you seek and find support for your relationship when you come across roadblocks and troubles that are bigger than the two of you? To whom do you turn for help?
What are your hopes for the younger generation’s relationships and lives? If they asked, what would you share with them about parenting? Life? Gender roles? Marriage?
In what ways have you created structures for your days post-retirement? As a couple, what advantages and challenges have you encountered regarding spending more time together?
Have there been medical challenges that have led you to a deeper understanding of your interdependence?
Have you spent time with your partner discussing your relationship in your later years? If so, what what did you learn, or affirm? Are there aspects of your late life relationship you think or worry about that you are reluctant to raise? I invite your comments below - we learn so much from each other! As an added incentive, I will randomly choose the writer of one of the comments and send you a free copy of Side by Side: The Sacred Art of Couples Aging with Wisdom and Love. (Canada and US only.)
August 13, 2023: Congratulations to Linda Potter of Canton, New York, who has won a copy of Side by Side: The Sacred Art of Couples Aging with Wisdom and Love!