Fine-tuning the life you planned
Stock photo: Siphosethu Fanti/peopleimages.com
In 1998, sitting on a beach in Victoria, British Columbia, my husband and I pulled out our notebooks and began discussing where we saw ourselves in five to ten years. Over the previous week, we had each completed a series of activities. Now we compared our individual dreams with the life we wanted as a couple and family. There was some negotiation—we are very different beings—but we agreed on one goal: buying a house within the next two or three years. And not just any house.
I still have our notes from that process. The house we wanted?
“A house on an acreage, preferably in proximity to water—a lake or the ocean. Quiet, with only the sounds of birds and nature. A weathered house filled with music, plants, antiques, and quilts. A room of my own, even if only an alcove (me). A great kitchen (my husband). A cat curled up in a chair, a dog stretched out by the fire. Friends close by for walks, dinners, and good conversation. Close to a city for access to music, lectures, bookstores, and outdoor markets. A garden, rich with vegetables and wildflowers.”
In 2001, we purchased our island home, checking off many of the items on the list. Now, some twenty-five years later, retired and living here full time, it is time to re-examine our life together and look to the future.
Recently, we realized that our island home will sustain us for only another two or three years. Two things missing from our 1998 list have become increasingly important: closeness to friends and family, and proximity to the amenities we may need as we age—health care, a pool, library, stores, and walkable services.
It is also time to talk about how we spend our time together and apart. In a previous blog post I acknowledged that this retirement stage of our relationship would require work. We knew that mutual respect, commitment, and our willingness to dance with the tension between me and we would lead us to a healthy balance between togetherness and individuality. And for the most part, it has. But more recently, our different interests have bumped up against each other.
So, over the next couple of weeks, we are revisiting three activities we did back in 1998 to help with our decision-making. They are not typical planning tools but they work for us. You might like to give them a try. These activities originated from Barbara Sher's book Wishcraft.
1. The Perfect Day
Write a detailed, first-person narrative of your perfect day, from the moment you wake up until you fall asleep.
Focus on the details. Where do you wake up? What do you notice? How do you spend your morning and afternoon? Are you indoors or outdoors, quiet or active, alone or with people?
Keep it ordinary. Design a realistic, repeatable day rather than a fantasy vacation so it reflects your core values.
Analysis: Once you have written your perfect day, ask yourself:
What are the must-haves—the what, where, and who essential to your happiness?
What would be nice, but isn't necessary?
What do you already have?
What's missing?
What's standing in your way, and what would it take to remove those obstacles?
2. What Do You Like To Do?
This activity invites you to look at what brings you joy, no matter how small, and how much space you are actually giving those activities in your current life.
Write down exactly 20 things you love to do. You cannot stop until you reach 20. Sher encourages listing simple things, like riding a bike, drinking hot chocolate, or staring at sunsets, because small pleasures can reveal a great deal about your true nature.
Then create a matrix and, for each item, identify:
When was the last time you actually did this?
Is it connected to your mind, body, or spirit?
Do you do it alone, or with someone? If with someone, who?
This activity reminds you what brings you joy and may reveal opportunities to spend time alone, together, or occasionally step into each other's worlds.
3. Three Prompts
Write your answers to these three prompts honestly and without filtering your thoughts.
The Unlived Life: What version of yourself have you set aside, or feel you should put aside, that still whispers to you? How can you make room for this version of yourself in the next five years?
The Hidden Vulnerability: What quiet fears do you have about aging, health, or identity that you haven't fully articulated yet? What boundaries do you need to protect your autonomy?
The No-Regrets Year 5: Fast forward to 2031. You are looking back at the last five years. What is the one thing you would feel deeply disappointed about missing out on, even if the rest of your life was perfect?
The Partner Conversation
sit down with your partner. Pour yourselves a glass of wine or coffee and get comfortable. Begin sharing your individual reflections. Using a flip chart or stack of paper, make three distinct columns: mine, yours, ours. As the conversation deepens, start identifying where your answers fit.
You may want to use these filters for the next part of the conversation:
Yours
Some dreams belong to one person. How can you provide a guilt-free space to honour your partner's dreams?
Mine and Yours
Some individual goals require solo time but can be scheduled simultaneously. If you both need time to focus on your own goals, how can you carve out solo time? How can you support your partner’s need for solo time?Can you block out the same time to pursue them separately?
Ours
These are the big-picture dreams and goals that intersect and require joint planning. Strip away the logistics for a moment and consider: What is the core feeling or value you are both trying to experience, and how can you move towards it?
Usually, after wrapping up this type of planning process, my husband and I establish one-, three-, and five-year goals. But I also like the idea of using stories as a planning tool, so I think we may also try this approach.
A Story From the Future
Wrap up the process by co-writing a short narrative letter from the future.
Write it as a story detailing a random Tuesday in your life five years from now. Describe where you are, what you are doing individually, what you are doing together, and how you have met your planning goals.
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