Golden shadows
Many years ago, I was told that the behaviours and characteristics that evoke a negative reaction in us are often reflections of what we don’t like about ourselves. Even today, when this happens, I stop and think about what it is triggering in me. I learned that the things that set me off—talking too much, needing to be liked, holding back opinions, even gossip—were often things I struggled with myself.
I didn’t know about Carl Jung’s shadow work at the time. I only knew that paying attention helped me understand myself better. It just seemed like a common-sense formula I could follow to dig a little deeper into my own psyche.
A few months ago, another reference to shadow caught my eye. I read that the positive traits we recognize and admire in others may also reflect parts of ourselves. They may be lying dormant, or be a part of ourselves we hide because we are afraid to stand out, not be accepted, or be ridiculed. When someone else embodies these traits with ease, it can feel like a quiet nudge, a reminder of our potential. Carl Jung called these qualities our golden shadows.
Learning this, I wanted to pay closer attention to the positive qualities I see in older women and what that might teach me about myself. So I have been looking more closely at my interactions.
A few weeks ago, a woman introduced herself to me - a warm smile on her face, a slight touch to my arm. I was immediately engaged. Golden shadow or kindred spirit? Definitely golden shadow when I took some time to think about the interaction.
I envy women who can confidently approach someone and introduce themselves or start a conversation. I still hesitate to do that, thinking, what if they don’t like me? The touch to the arm is something I am finally comfortable doing. I even give hugs these days! An accomplishment for me, as I grew up in a family that did not show affection, physically or verbally. And, this woman listened as I spoke and was clearly interested in what I had to say. Okay, sometimes my listening skills could be better - one of my dark shadows! I’ll keep working on that one.
I attended a volunteer fair on the island last week and spoke to two dozen women about the organizations they supported. Who was I drawn to? The women who greeted me who were genuinely interested in the volunteer opportunities I was seeking and interested in me, without being nosy. I had pretty much decided where I wanted to hang my volunteer hat when I walked in. The woman (wo)manning the booth for that organization sold me on their opportunities. Warm, receptive, inclusive, and clearly an ‘information broker’, a skillset we both have. She was also the only one who followed up the next day with an email, inviting me to their next meeting.
Golden shadows most often show up as creativity, strength, or a kind of ease we haven’t quite claimed for ourselves. Did you know that we can’t recognize a trait in someone else unless it lives somewhere inside us? Some of us learned early on to hide those parts — maybe we were told to be quiet, to keep the peace, to not take up too much space. Those messages settled in deep. But those traits are there!
How can you unearth those traits?
Pay attention to the positive traits you are drawn to. What do they tell you about yourself?
Creative work - writing, drawing, music, and other artistic pursuits - is one way those quiet parts of ourselves come forward.
And for some of us, a good therapist can help uncover what we tucked away long ago.
I’m paying closer attention now. When I feel drawn to someone, I ask myself: what part of me is showing up?
