What do you look for in a friend?

During brunch with a friend last weekend, I mentioned that one of my recent posts had an unexpected surge in traffic. In six months, more than 3,000 women read Older women choose quality over quantity when it comes to friendship. That is a lot for Ageless Possibilities!

In that blog post I shared that as I get older, the quality of my friendships becomes more important. This is substantiated by Katherine Fiori, a professor of psychology at Adelphi University, New York. She says that while young women tend to actively look for new contacts, older women deliberately shrink their social networks. "As people age, their perspective on the future changes,” Fiori says. "Their priorities shift, and they tend to be focused on socio-emotional goals.” We cultivate a smaller, high-quality circle of friends. Fiori claims that the winnowing down of the ‘weaker’ friendships is purposeful – we are doing it to focus on our close ties as we get closer to death.

The conversation over brunch drifted to life on a small island and how complicated nurturing new friendship can be. And from the emails I received in response to that blog post, it’s clear that finding and keeping meaningful friendships can be challenging no matter where you call home.

The next day, my friend messaged me. She asked, What qualities do you look for in a friend? And what is a deal-breaker on deciding who is not going to be a significant presence in your life?

The first two words that sprung to mind were acceptance and gossip.

At this stage of life, I need friends who accept me as I am. I am no longer trying to re-invent myself. No thanks to weight loss tips, unsolicited advice, or criticizing my opinions. The women close to me understand my need for solitude and don’t take it personally when I cancel plans at the last minute.

My biggest deal-breaker? Gossip. While I have a healthy curiosity about the people in my life, gossip is something else entirely. And if you gossip to me about someone, then I expect you relish sharing details of my life with others. I also find myself stepping back from women whose worldviews feel small - those who can’t stretch past their own experience to embrace the richness of different cultures, beliefs, and ways of living.

And so I suppose the opposite is true in what I look for in a friend. I am drawn to women with depth, who share the deep value that we are all here to support each other. Women who are confident in who they are. Women who bravely express their opinions, even if we don’t agree, as long as their opinions are grounded in truth and integrity. Shared values matter though. And so do shared interests and experiences - which for me include community, nature, spirituality, family, and our shared female experience.

My friend later replied with her own reflections. She is drawn to women who are honest and open to meaningful conversations. These women may be taking different paths she wrote, but the similarities intrigue and interest her. She walks away from game-playing, two-faced behaviour, betrayal, and drama. I nodded reading her words. Yep, I am also done with drama at this stage of my life!

Lately, the friendships I have made have begun with an almost instant recognition. A smile across a room, a brief exchange, and a realization that this woman might be one of my people. Then a tentative, first get-together - an early, intentional step toward seeing if there is synergy. Sounds like the dating game, doesn’t it? But I think that’s the point. Friendship in later life deserves the same care and curiosity.

Here are a few quotes from women you’ll recognize - words that echo the qualities I look for in friendship.

And my favourite:

What strikes me as I write these words is how many of us are longing for the same things—authenticity, depth, and women who “get” us. I’ve met many of these women here at Ageless Possibilities, and I’m grateful. My hope is that we keep crossing paths, recognizing something familiar in each other.

I’d love to hear your thoughts: What do you look for in a friend at this stage of your life?