How would you live an unwitnessed life?
Edith is the main character in the book Ripeness by Sarah Moss. The book opens in her bedroom, where 73-year-old Edith lies with her lover Gunther. Their relationship is relaxed and affectionate, with no complications and no deep commitment.
The book alternates between Edith’s present life in a village in the Irish countryside and the 1960s, when, just finishing school, Edith is sent to rural Italy under strict instructions from her mother to care for her ballerina sister, who is in the late stages of pregnancy.
The book is rich with themes of belonging, family, community, migration, and new beginnings - and well worth reading. But what drew me into the book - and the reason for this blog post - was the rather solitary, ordinary life Edith lives as a woman in her seventies.
Edith wakes at dawn in a bedroom that faces east, the sun shining on her face. Her cottage has no curtains. There is no one to see her and, as she muses, who would want to see a naked 73-year-old body? She grinds beans for her morning coffee. She cooks simple meals and mostly eats alone. She keeps her living space tidy.
Almost daily, Edith walks down to the beach to swim in the North Atlantic, at times defying the message her body is sending her - the water is too cold, and she needs to get out. She takes solitary walks, attentive to plants, animals, weather, and landscape. She likes “to feel the wet grass growing under her feet and hear the birds about their rain-day business in the hedges.”
Her main relationships are with Gunther, her lover, and Méabh, her friend. Like Edith, Gunther is considered an outsider in the small Irish village. He comes over every Thursday after dinner. Easier that way, “she doesn’t want to always be unsure…will he or won’t he, has he something better to do?” She is unconcerned about what the village busybodies may think.
Méabh has roots in the village; she belongs. Edith and Méabh meet for coffee and go for rambling hill walks. There is an intimacy to Edith’s conversations with Méabh, even though at times they disagree and do not quite seem to understand each other.
Edith thinks she should volunteer, “the way she used to, the way she always did”. But reflects that “now she lives alone, unwatched, uncontested, the urge to put privilege to work is much diminished.”
In one chapter, Edith considers that Gunther will die alone. But then reflects that maybe that is what he wants. She thinks maybe some men like being alone, and wonders if some women do too, or would, given the chance. She wonders, “What would you do if no one was watching? How would you live an unwitnessed life?”
And there it was, one of those sentences in a book that stops me in my tracks. How would I live an unwitnessed life?
At first, I understood this question to mean what life would be like living alone, with no one to answer to. A question, I confess, I used to dream about as a stressed working mother. Edith shares that when she first moved alone to this Irish village, she had thought it might be the beginning of indolence and greed, days spent in bed reading novels and living on tea and biscuits. So yes, there is an element of living alone to the question.
But as I re-read parts of the book, I realized the question went deeper. How would you live a life that is not scrutinized, appraised, or judged? A life that is also not dictated by how an older, single woman should live?
There is a freedom in becoming less visible and interesting to others.
Edith’s thoughts and habits suggest a sense of relief of no longer being watched closely in these later years. She does not need to explain herself or justify her actions.
Her daily activities are not concerned with appearance or expectation. Her cold water swimming is not for her health, or as a form of discipline; she swims for pleasure.
There is no sense of loss connected to Edith’s invisibility. Invisibility removes pressure. Time is no longer measured by productivity. The unwitnessed life becomes a space where aging is not an apology or explanation but simply a condition of being.
When Edith revisits her memories of Italy and her younger self, she notes that now the memories are uniquely hers. At the time she lived through those experiences, they were entwined with a need to be noticed and desired. Now, there is no longer a need to make meaning of the past through the opinions of others.
How would I live an unwitnessed life? I wonder, who is actually observing and appraising my actions? And I laugh, because the only person who judges my life is me! Oh, there may be others, but I don’t really care what others think.
I suspect I would spend lazy mornings in bed reading novels if I knew no one was watching. I would let my routine slip, doing what I want, when I want. I would allow my biological clock to shape my days. I wouldn’t be so concerned about unexpected company arriving to a sink full of of dirty dishes or a layer of dust. I expect I would live a more solitary life, not talking to anyone for days. And I know, that like Edith, I would still take “daily showers, eat fresh vegetables, and wear clean underwear!”
How would you live an unwitnessed life?
Do you subscribe to the Ageless Possibilities newsletter? Do you use Gmail?
Last week, for most of you who have Gmail accounts, my email ended up in your spam folder with a scary, bold red message stating:
This message might be dangerous. It contains a suspicious link that was used to steal people's personal information.
I’m so glad some of you contacted me! I was wondering why almost 50% fewer Ageless Possibilities subscribers did not open the email last week! And I still can’t explain what happened. The only links in the email were to my website and two reputable broadcasting corporations.
I have no idea how this week’s email will be received. I sent last week’s newsletter to one of my Gmail accounts and found it in my spam/junk folder. After indicating that it was not spam. Then I sent this week’s email and thankfully it went to my inbox.
If you notice that emails from agelesspossibilities@shaw.ca are going to your spam file, click Not spam in your top toolbar. And, add agelesspossibilities@shaw.ca to your Google Contacts. Gmail generally stops sending messages from contacts to the Spam folder.
