Letting go of not being good enough
“Maybe you don’t notice your progress because you’re always raising the bar. And that right there healed me.”
My stomach clenched and a wave of sadness washed over me when I read this quote in my Instagram (IG) feed last month. I shared the post in an IG story and over the next day received several private messages. The quote clearly resonates for many of us.
The word healing leapt out at me when I read Barb’s words. So often I think the past is finally behind me. I should know better. We carry trauma from generations back so it makes sense that there are parts from our personal history that still need to heal.
I was a raise-the-bar child, teenager, young adult, and later, mature woman. As I reached one goal, I was already looking ahead to the next possible achievement.
This is applauded in the working world. Managers are expected to set high standards for themselves to demonstrate what excellence looks like. My bosses loved me - I always excelled at whatever challenge they presented. Then I launched my consulting business. I became my own hardest taskmaster, raising the bar higher and higher.
The positive aspects of raising the bar
Raising the bar can have positive benefits. I encouraged myself beyond my comfort zone, learned new skills, and found creative solutions. I credit my attention to detail and organizational skills to my need to succeed.
The negative aspects of raising the bar
The negative aspects of raising the bar, however, took their toll on me - both in my work and personal life. I had unrealistic high expectations of others. I worked under a lot of self-imposed stress. I never left my work at the office. The list of negative aspects far outweighs the positive.
The self-imposed pressure impacts mental health, increasing anxiety and even causing depression.
Maintaining a healthy work-life balance becomes difficult.
Making even small mistakes becomes stressful.
Raising the bar equates to perfectionism. What I did not know, until I did some research for this blog post, is that perfectionism “…is not some annoying habit or mindset. It literally rewires our brain’s alarm system.” Therapist, Annie Wright, shares research that states “…early experiences that make us feel unsafe or not good enough actually change how our brain processes potential threats. Basically, our internal threat detector (the amygdala) gets stuck in hyperdrive.” When I read this, I felt a shock of recognition—yes, that was me.
And that brings me to healing what hurt me so many years ago. I thought I had resolved this, but reading Barb Schmidt’s quote, brought it hurtling back. The drive to excel started much earlier than my first job.
I am the oldest of three, big sister to two younger brothers. I was brought up to set an example, but being a girl, my achievements were never celebrated. My father would ignore my mostly straight As and focus instead on the B I got in math. My mother would laugh as I passionately described a new project I was starting, telling me I never finished anything. I was the only one of my siblings to attend university, but that was never celebrated. I never felt good enough, smart enough, thin enough. No wonder I set the bar so high for myself. Maybe you, too, carry echoes of a younger self who still longs to be seen.
I still ache for that young girl who tried so hard to please her parents. These past few weeks I have fallen asleep to dreams of living in my parents’ house again. In those dreams I am stuck. I feel ignored and unimportant. I can’t seem to untangle myself from their expectations. Then I wake up, usually snuggled in my husband’s arms, safe and loved. No one who matters has any expectations of me.
Today, I no longer chase success. I follow my heart, live with passion, and feel a deep gratitude for the life I now inhabit. Still, Barb Schmidt’s words remind me that inside, a little girl remains—longing for the affirmation she never received. Maybe that’s part of our healing journey: learning to give ourselves now what we needed then.
Perhaps you also carry a younger self within you, still waiting to be affirmed. What would it feel like to offer her the affirmation you may not have received back then?
