Start With Endings
“Honoring our endings allows us to reflect on how we’ve grown, brings awareness to the ways we are developing, and supports us in connecting to what lies ahead. ”
Photo by Kévin et Laurianne Langlais on Unsplash
I visit LinkedIn occasionally, interested to see what former colleagues are doing. And yes, wondering if anyone is checking my profile now that I have retired from my consulting career. I have not posted a comment for over a year now, and I have yet to update my profile. But I still get a handful of profile visits every month. Those profile visits cheer me up; I feel like I have not been forgotten yet. While mostly I am glad that I have wrapped things up, there are some days I long to go back to my career.
Last week, I told my younger daughter, who co-owns a communications agency with a colleague, that I was bored. She said she had a contract I might be interested in. As she gave me the details, my insides fluttered with excitement, yet I knew this wasn’t something I wanted to take on. I know it’s time to move on, but I feel like I haven’t closed the door to my working life completely.
A photo in a LinkedIn post caught my eye the other day, a list of 75 resume action words. The post noted that these words would demonstrate your drive and enthusiasm. Many of the words were familiar to me; I had used them myself in project proposals. I realized these words no longer resonate for me but I miss launching, championing, facilitating, and directing!
It’s all about closure, isn’t it? In September, I wrote a blog called Rewired, Not Retired. I wrote, “This transition has been challenging for me. I have had no closure. There was no big retirement party to end this phase of my life. Instead, I have gradually faded into retirement; it has felt like a transformation into something vague and less important. Don’t get me wrong, there is a lot about this stage of life that I love, and in many ways, I feel like I am now living my best life. But my career was such a significant part of my past – it wasn’t just a job – it was my passion. I was in demand, I was able to pick and choose the projects I worked on, and I was recognized for my contributions to the field I worked in. So to say that I am now retired, well, it’s not easy.” Clearly, for me, this is still a work in progress!
I recently read an article by Jim Marsden, a coach, and facilitator at Reboot. In Wondering What’s Next? Start With Endings, Marsden writes that at a time of transition, there’s a natural tendency to look ahead, determine a desirable future, gain clarity, and move toward this next thing. But he says a valuable approach to transitions is to start with the endings. He continues by saying that, “when we bring our attention to endings, we come to see what matters for us. We can see how we’ve grown and are developing. We can connect with the potential for what lies ahead without needing to know the specifics or intended outcomes of our future. We also support ourselves by ending that which doesn’t need to have a place in our future.”
Marsden outlines four steps to help what is ending come to an honourable close. I am going to take a stab at trying this exercise in the hope that I will be able to find some closure. I think it’s an exercise that you might find useful whether you are retiring, facing an empty nest, ending a relationship, or going through a major transition. In Marsden’s words:
Step 1: Name what is ending
This first step is seemingly simple but can be challenging to do well. What is important in this step is to name what specifically is ending. Be as specific as you can. Include all of yourself when naming what is ending. Include what is true professionally, personally, and any other ways you may be experiencing the ending.
When we are specific in naming what is ending, it also helps us to see what isn’t ending. Our ability to be specific helps us to discern what is ending from what is not. Consider words and phrases other than endings when naming what is ending. Sometimes using words such as “coming to a close,” “here to shed,” “not going forward,” or “part of the chapter that is ending,” may bring up other insights regarding what is ending. (The word rewiring has been helpful for me!)
Step 2: Describe how you have benefitted from what is ending
For each thing that is ending, name how its presence has been of benefit to you. Let yourself see it directly from the vantage point when it genuinely was of benefit for you. This action supports a genuine honouring of that which is coming to a close. Often, we can look back and see how that which is coming to a close has helped us to grow, learn, and positively contributed to shaping us into who we are today. It may have helped us to be safe or to survive. It may have helped us to belong or to feel worthy. Here, too, be as specific as you can when naming how the presence of what is ending has been of benefit to you.
Step 3: Consider the limiting implications if this were to continue
Consider the possibility that this thing wasn’t ending. If this thing were to continue, how would its presence hold you back, keep you small, or otherwise limit your ability to step more fully into the life here for you to live? If we can reflect and see our own answers to this question, it can help us to see the value and importance of letting go, stopping, or handing over what has been here for us.
Step 4: Give your findings an external expression
Lastly, it is valuable to find some kind of external expression for the responses you come up with for the steps above. This could be as simple as sharing your perspectives and awareness with a friend or colleague. It may be more formal — such as a ceremony that honours what is ending. It may be by writing a life story or blog post! Or it may be speaking about these things with other women. Collectively, we can witness and support each other. We may also benefit and learn from others in ways that shift our orientation, sometimes opening new possibilities we hadn’t seen earlier. Finding external expression helps to make these honourable endings that much more real, while also helping us to integrate the shifts that are underway.