Why is vulnerability so difficult?

This month, my alumni writing groups are writing life stories about vulnerability. Despite exploring many difficult themes together over the years, this one was met with shudders and sighs. An acknowledgement that writing about vulnerability is never easy.

One of the women suggested that as I had just had surgery, I might also like to write a story about vulnerability myself. My immediate reaction? I don't think so! I was surprised by my reaction, and I’ve been sitting with it, wondering why vulnerability makes us so uncomfortable.

Brené Brown has spent much of her research exploring vulnerability, shame, courage, and the ways we connect with one another. A central theme of her research is that vulnerability is difficult because it asks us to risk being seen as we really are, without knowing how others will respond.

1. We are afraid of being judged

When we share something personal, we give others a glimpse of parts of ourselves we may be reluctant to talk about: fears, regrets, disappointments, mistakes, and shame. Brown's research on shame highlights how deeply we want to feel accepted and worthy of belonging. The possibility of rejection can make silence feel safer than honesty.

2. We don't always have the words

Some experiences are difficult to understand, let alone explain. Sometimes, we struggle to articulate what we think and feel. Vulnerability can mean allowing ourselves to explore an experience before we have fully made sense of it.

3. We confuse vulnerability with weakness

We may think that admitting we are frightened, lonely, uncertain, or hurt somehow diminishes us. Been there, done that! Yet vulnerability is not a weakness. It takes courage to be honest with ourselves and to choose when, how, and with whom we share that honesty.

4. We have learned to protect ourselves

Some of us grew up in families where personal feelings and difficult experiences were rarely discussed. Talking openly about our inner lives was not part of family life. We inherited a family culture of silence.

I grew up knowing very little about what my mother or grandmothers felt, feared, regretted, or hoped for. I sometimes wonder whether hearing their stories might have made it easier for me to talk about my own feelings.

Vulnerability doesn’t disappear as we grow older

As women, we may grow more accepting of ourselves, yet the judgments we have lived with for a lifetime can be hard to let go of. While we may be comfortable with much of who we are, we still have tender places we would rather others didn't see.

Our new circumstances may even expose new vulnerabilities. Retirement, changing family relationships, illness, bereavement, or becoming dependent on others can all make us feel vulnerable.

Vulnerability is part of being human, at every age. It is not a weakness we need to overcome. What does change is that we become more discerning about when and with whom we are willing to let down our guard. As we grow older, we place greater importance on emotionally meaningful relationships. We are less worried about pleasing everyone and more focused on the relationships that allow us to be ourselves.

But that doesn’t necessarily make vulnerability easy. Even with people we love and trust, there are things we hesitate to say, stories we aren’t ready to tell, and feelings we struggle to put into words.

Perhaps the invitation is not about coming to terms with vulnerability, but to become a little more curious about what we are protecting and whether there might be someone with whom we could risk being a little more open.