Wondering what’s next? Start with endings.
“Honoring our endings allows us to reflect on how we’ve grown, brings awareness to the ways we are developing, and supports us in connecting to what lies ahead.”
Saturday morning. This is the morning of solstice eve, the longest night of the year, a sacred time for many. Winter solstice is recognized as a time of looking towards the light, a time of birth, or renewal. Many of us pause to reflect on our journey and give thought to where we are going.
My husband is away for a few days, and rather than looking forward, my thoughts keep returning to the past. The joys of this past year include the birth of a second granddaughter and the announcement that another grandchild will be joining us in a few months. But joy and grief walk hand in hand, and daily pain reminds me of the limitations the severe arthritis in my knees is placing on my life.
Every night this week, I have gone to bed and my mind has been turning to the distant past, dredging up memories best forgotten. And I have been thinking, enough already! As much as I believe that writing and reflecting on our life stories can bring revelations, healing, and closure, when can I close that door and move on?
I need you to know, I don’t always feel this way. In my heart, I recognize the value of exploring the past. I usually approach my dreams and memories with interest, appreciating the clarity they bring to me in these later years. But the approach of Christmas is always a difficult time for me. And these rainy, gloomy days, coupled with chronic pain, contribute to my negative thinking.
Four years ago, I wrote a blog based on an article by Jim Marsden, a coach and facilitator at Reboot. Marsden wrote that at a time of transition, we have a natural tendency to look ahead and move toward the next thing. A valuable approach to transitions, he suggested, may be to start with endings. He continued by saying that, “when we bring our attention to endings, we come to see what matters for us. We can see how we’ve grown. We can connect with the potential for what lies ahead without needing to know the specifics or intended outcomes of our future. We also support ourselves by ending that which doesn’t need to have a place in our future.” Marsden then outlined four steps to help what is ending come to an honourable close.
This is not an approach for tucking away the distant past, particularly if it involves trauma. But it is a useful tool for transitions like retirement, an empty nest, moving, or leaving 2025 behind.
I thought you might also want to give this a try. Another tool for your toolbox as you journey north.
Here’s what Jim Marsden wrote:
Step 1: Name what is ending
This first step is to name what is ending. Be as specific as you can. Include all of yourself when naming what is ending. Include what is true personally, and any other ways you may be experiencing the ending.
When we are specific in naming what is ending, it also helps us to see what isn’t ending. Our ability to be specific helps us to discern what is ending from what is not. Consider words and phrases other than endings. Sometimes using words such as “here to shed,” “not going forward,” or “part of a past chapter” may bring up other insights.
Step 2: Describe how you have benefited from what is ending
For each thing that is ending, name how its presence may have been of benefit to you. This action supports an honouring of that which is coming to a close. Often, we can look back and see how that which is coming to a close has contributed to shaping us into who we are today. It may have helped us to be safe or to survive. It may have helped us to belong or to feel worthy. Here, too, be as specific as you can when naming how the presence of what is ending has been of benefit to you.
Step 3: Consider the limiting implications if this were to continue
Consider the possibility that this thing wasn’t ending. If this thing were to continue, how would its presence hold you back, keep you small, or otherwise limit your ability to step more fully into the life here for you to live? If we can reflect and see our own answers to this question, it can help us understand the value and importance of letting go, stopping, or handing over what has been here for us.
Step 4: Give your findings an external expression
Lastly, it is valuable to find some kind of external expression for the responses you come up with for the steps above. This could be as simple as sharing your perspectives and awareness with a friend or colleague. It may be more formal, such as a ceremony that honours what is ending. It may be by writing a life story! Finding external expression helps to make these honourable endings that much more real, while also helping us to integrate the shifts that are underway.
This is my last blog post for the year. I am looking forward to a quiet holiday season with family, friends, and a pile of books! I wish you all peace and gentleness during this season.
I leave you with these words the poet and philosopher, John O’Donohue, wrote for his mother. Beannacht is Irish for blessing, and these tender words speak of letting go.
Beannacht
On the day when
the weight deadens
on your shoulders
and you stumble,
may the clay dance
to balance you.
And when your eyes
freeze behind
the grey window
and the ghost of loss
gets in to you,
may a flock of colours,
indigo, red, green,
and azure blue
come to awaken in you
a meadow of delight.
When the canvas frays
in the currach of thought
and a stain of ocean
blackens beneath you,
may there come across the waters
a path of yellow moonlight
to bring you safely home.
May the nourishment of the earth be yours,
may the clarity of light be yours,
may the fluency of the ocean be yours,
may the protection of the ancestors be yours.
And so may a slow
wind work these words
of love around you,
an invisible cloak
to mind your life.
- John O’Donohue
